The more men I meet, the more I love my dog

This picture pretty much sums up my feelings about the past 6 months, and how I have come to the terms with the fact that in my recent dating experience, I tend to attract men who are slightly clingy, strange, see my future as having a past, and make me wonder if there really are any normal ones left out there. Now, to be fair a big part of this problem may be me and my inability to be completely and brutally honest, meaning I say yes, when I probably should have said no, I accommodate when I should have stood firm, and close my eyes and pray that the night will end soon when I should have ran for my life. But, to defend myself, there are a lot of strange, strange dudes out there who look at woman like the last smartie in the box and they are all over it like a fat kid, they don't take no for an answer, they are persistant and so you hope that if you just get it over with they will go away. They don't go away. For a while I was thinking this was some kind of punishment, that God really must have a sense of humour because he was getting a real kick out of watching me endure one crazy date after the other, but instead of looking at this as a bad thing, why not a little insight, why not a few suggestions so that perhaps this trend of crazy can come to an end...or perhaps I shall grow a backbone one of these days and just avoid these situations all together.

But until that day, dear crazy men who seem to be unavoidable in my life, I offer these simple suggestions:

1. Don't be too mushy on the first date. Sure women love to receive affection, but not when we are still trying to get to know you! For example, if you want to put your arm around her try simply asking, or leaning closer and see how she reacts. If the girl backs away, crosses her legs, or looks away, please take this as a sign that you may want to consider this as a poor idea and should not be attempted at this time. This does not mean that later in the date you shouldn't try again, just be patient and behave yourself!
2. I would recommend that you do not engage in any bodily noise (farting, belching, moaning etc.). You may think that just because you have found someone you think you are compatible with that she will be forgiving to this natural part of life, but women are disgusted by it, especially when they are just getting to know you. Seriously, if you have an inconvenient bout of gas, just excuse yourself to the bathroom.
3. Do not inundate your conversation with talk all about you. Sure she wants to get to know you, but for the love do not give it up so easily. That comes across as desperate and boring. Let us ask some questions, that way we are responsible for the answers if we asked the question. If you keep talking about yourself, we as women think you are not interested in us and are turned off of any potential possibilities. Ask some questions, I dare you try.
4. Try not to come across as being nervous or insecure about being around her. Remember you asked her out and she said yes, so obviously she was willing to take a chance too. No woman wants insecurity as an underlying issue, it screams weakness and lacking confidence is not the most attractive quality. Balls to walls, man up, be brave.
5. When you are finished with your date, do not call her on the phone, facebook her or text her and tell her what a great time you had after you have already dropped her off and she is home for the night. Take the time to do this before, if you do it after it just comes across as clingy. No one likes clingy. Just tell her at the end of the date you had a great time and you look forward to doing it again. And then I suggest saying goodnight and walking away. Hide your phone if you have to for the evening. Just don't do it right away!
6. If you got the feeling that the date did not go all that well, she is not returning your phone calls, texts or emails, please please please do not show up at her house or work without her invitation. Do not ask her friends if she has mentioned your name, do not try and conveniently hang around spots where she may make an appearance. It comes across as the type of guy who likes to smother. If she wants to make contact, she will. Bottom line!
7. And please do not tell your date that she is the most beautiful, funny, amazing, extraordinary girl you have ever met. She will not believe you! She may very well be the most beautiful, funny, amazing and extraordinary girl you have ever met, and chances are she's probably heard that line a few times, but this just comes across as awkward and unnecessary. It's only been one date, 3 hours, one dinner and hopefully a couple of laughs. You hardly know her, don't be a blubbering fool. Here is a rule of thumb, if she is beautiful, compliment her on her personality, if she is funny, compliment her on her wit, if she is extraordinary, compliment her on her originality. You may want to pour your heart out to her, but please don't. It just is too much, too fast.

How to succeed: Try hard enough. How to fail: Try too hard.